"Who wears the pants?"

Reflecting on a recent celebration of honesty and equality on National Coming Out Day, I remember a casual conversation with my parents and our dear friends Eric and Andrew. During this time, I would guess I am around 12-14 years old. Eric tells a funny story about how he had recently sent an email referencing the fact that he has a husband. The recipient of the email then sends back an email with the greeting reading "Mrs." rather than "Mr." We chuckle because we know that times are changing, and some people just have a tad bit of catching up to do:

That being said, however, I reply in true middle school Abby fashion (not thinking before speaking and trying to be funny while ultimately failing): "That's funny," directing my attention to Andrew, "because if anything, you would be the woman in your relationship..."

Because Andrew loves me like a daughter, he does exactly what a good parent would do: give me a little glare and a tip of the head in one direction, as if silently saying, "Try again." I now understand that I made a mistake, and he corrected me in the most loving way possible.

I feel that now is a good as a time as any to thank Eric and Andrew.

I don't remember anything about the day in particular, but I've often thought about this conversation as I try to look at people with a deciphering eye: who fits what role? I used to make speculations based off of what others wore, how others spoke, and why others acted the way they did to decide if they were more masculine or feminine. I used to have an idea that only the masculine people could offer courtship with feminine people–therefore, only the more extreme one person. I used to beat on myself for not being feminine enough to be in relationships with masculine people or masculine enough to be in relationships with feminine people. It took me until this year to realize (and pardon my French) that it's all bullshit.

In a community with various gender and sexual identities, I've discovered that there is more than one way to be an attractive person. The qualities I see in all good people derive from traits that transcend masculinity or femininity. These people possess wonderful senses of humor and seek genuine human connection. Our vocations and our daily activities stem from our God-given talents and community-learned values.

Many of my trusted friends and family members don't understand how one can disregard this dichotomy of relationships–and I acknowledge that many individuals seek so-called "opposites" when it comes to masculine and feminine energy. Yes, we have components that make up our gender identity or lack-thereof, yet the attractive parts of us come from our beings, not our bodies. I've found love–in both a brotherly sense and a romantic sense–with people that bring out the best in me, with traits as far across the spectrum of gender expression as one can imagine.

Eric and Andrew have influenced a large part of my life. I hope to empathize with people yet to be educated in this new, complicated playground of a world we have. They are an example of what all love looks like, and I pray that one day we may all find the same.