Still Learn and Grow

Rugrats: 90's cartoon classic and staple in my brother's and my childhood. As a "big kid" (more along the ages of 5 or 6) it was funny to look at babies and their thoughts on the world around them, including the lyrics to "My Country 'Tis of Thee" and thinking a lizard is the child of a cartoon dinosaur. But recently, I watched an episode of Rugrats that made me realize that the fictitious thoughts and opinions of babies help us understand the simplicity of some things in life. To give some context: at this point, the babies are all children of three sets of parents that are friends and neighbors: the Pickles(s), the DeVilles, and the Finsters. In this episode, the Pickles and DeVille parents fight in a game of charades, insulting each other. The two sets of parents end up in a fight that breaks the relationship. The Devilles then take their children home, and they end up fighting. This is where it gets familiar. Mr. Pickles starts ...

I've just started watching Glee  for the first time (don't know why I hadn't gotten into it before, but that's beside my point). Most of the episodes allow me to indulge what I love about musical theatre–setting a story to music. However, a moment that hit me right in the feels was about the cheerleading aspect. Longs story short, Mercedes (a bigger girl) joins the cheer squad to show off what she can do at a larger scale than on stage. Her coach wanted her to lose weight to fit into a skirt, and she ends up in the hospital because of a developing eating disorder. Quinn (a former cheerleader) knew how she felt, but Mercedes said that Quinn always had being skinny, blonde, and beautiful to fall back on as a tear rolled down her cheek. To make things clear: by no means have I ever heard a real coach say something like that, and I pray that no coach ever will–and if there has, I hope they never do again. Other than that aspect, I remember fitting day for cheerlea...

For many days, I tell myself, "Their words–they might be true. You weep because you cannot change How God created you." I went to gain a sense of worth From others' way of words; The problem with my expectation: My needs, I never heard. I longed so, for a better me, One that's not too loud, Not too tall, too large, too silly, Too open, too sassy, too proud. My heart would have to tug my head To stand itself back up: "Among the things you wish could change, Are some that others love." I have the strength to tell myself, "Your confidence make me blush; If anyone says otherwise, Don't think you are too much." "Your body's fine the way it is– You're tall to touch the sky; You laugh so loud, so lovely, dear, So hold your head up high." To those who long for comfort now, What I say is true: Love yourself, for you can't change How God created you.

Over the last few days, I've heard comments about someone in our school. The comments were along the lines of that someone being too spoiled, that someone being hypercritical (mostly non-verbally), and that someone being more inquisitive than necessary. These may seem insignificant in nature, these subjects being "just an opinion" but I want to make this clear–that is an example of bullying. Ah, that word. We've seen it countless times in elementary and middle school, but we don't recognize it much in high school unless someone got physical or yelled inappropriately at someone. Much of bullying discussed in elementary and middle school are now referred to as "opinions", so it makes it sound like they have a right to say something mean about someone else. I'm not saying that I'm not guilty of this, but some people pass it off and don't realize it. This situation I talked about above is not an exception. Why is it not an exception? Why a...

Disclaimer: While this is mostly about suicide, many similar things can be said about substance abuse or distracted driving, so PLEASE consider the following. Recently a student in a neighboring town took their life. While learning about probability in math class, our teacher compared (statistically) the probability of us failing math unintentionally given we are students at our school vs. the probability of having serious thoughts of suicide given that we are a teenager in America. The main reason the prior has odds of slim to none is because the school constantly circulates those academic needs back to us and makes sure we know resources are available. That doesn't mean the resources to combat the latter are not available, but apparently some people have yet to be aware of or to comprehend their availability. My teacher then made it clear that any teacher, whether you have a class with them or not, is willing to talk things out. If you don't find luck, this is the ...

I wanted to share this because I come across people that have problems with themselves all of the time. I want to make sure those people understand that many (not all) people of whom they see as confident and secure are often on a very fine line of doubt. I appear to have a general "I don't give a butterfly's behind of what you think" attitude. Many people view me as super outgoing and confident, and I appreciate that. But though I have a lot of good days with generally good thoughts, I can't say it's like that all of the time. That's right, I doubt myself. A lot. These are all things I've thought of myself over many days for the last three years. "I'm not pretty enough to be a cheerleader." "I'm far from being as good of a musician as that person, maybe anyone." "I'm not smart enough to be in this class." There are days where I can just pick an outfit because it makes me feel like me, but other...

The busiest day I have had as a musician through the whole year has been Solo/Ensemble Festival: a full day of students singing and playing pieces of music prepared for a judge and possibly a small audience. I participated in eight events, overall learning 13 pieces of music. I had five acts as a vocalist, four collaborative pianists, three acts as a violinist, two lovely directors, and a partridge in pear tree–it was overwhelmingly awesome and beautifully exhausting. As my day at Solo/Ensemble was about halfway over, all was well until I came across something that not only didn't amuse me but also broke my heart . I ran into a student from a different school whom I had known from various other music events; the only thing–after years of "only" perfect ballots–this student was concerned with was getting a "Best of Center" rating for their solo (an honor distinguished to only one act during the day by the judge–this student hadn't achieved this yet). Thi...

Before I get into the specifics, there is something I want to clarify: I despise asking for help. There are three possible reasons for this: 1. There have been many times when the help is ineffective because I usually can't follow the process of what the teacher is talking about, and as a result, I get more confused. 2. As a child, I felt patronized when being given help. 3. I'm generally anxious about being an inconvenience to someone else, even if the person I'd be asking is a teacher. Generally, for most of the time I've been in high school, I almost never lost in the process of anything. If I got off course, usually the first explanation would get me sailing again. Math was definitely an area I didn't find too much trouble in until...*sigh*...vectors... (one thing to know for sure: 3 ...'s = 👎) Almost every day for this previous unit, I went to the teacher's desk during our work time in a panic. I felt super self conscious because I usually ...

The 89th Annual Academy Awards had a theme of inspiration. Between various categories, different actors/actresses would describe an onscreen portrayal that inspired them, and that actor would present with the actor that inspired them. I'm not a professional actress (or really a professional anything), but for this post, I would like to discuss a portrayal that I long to have express my gratitude for just as Javier Bardem did for Meryl Streep. Though this portrayal was a TV movie with no Oscar nominations, I had the video cassette, so I still count it as a motion picture, and I still find the same kind of "Oscar inspiration" nonetheless 😊. With my senses being (for lack of a better term) overwhelmed in the most delicate situations as a kid (due to my special needs ), I admired movies with the most tangible satisfaction. In the 1999 TV movie version of Annie, there were many details big and small that my 3-year-old brain would be emotionally satisfied by: the brushes...

Yes, it's true. For the last seven days and continuing through the season of lent, I've disciplined myself to eat breakfast every morning, to lessen snacking, and to give up the following: pastries, cookies, cakes, chocolate/candy, sugary beverages (soft drinks, chocolate milk, Gatorade-type things), ice cream...just all "sweets". Why? I'm acquiescent to terrible eating habits. Many of the calories I make up in my day (from either skipping breakfast or just having a pastry for breakfast) are from snacking on sweets. A regular snack for me–no joke–a fist full of chocolate chips washed down with a glass of milk. "Moderation" is not a much of a word in my vocabulary, so this would happen most days, if not, it eventually turned to having a bunch of cookies or some sort of desert for multiple snacks. I had told my parents the previous night that I was becoming unpleasantly moody in school. I had come to realize that during this week of Valentine'...

Sorry, I'm a little late in posting; February's getting messy, timewise. I just wanted to leave a few needed words of encouragement this week, as much for you as for me. It's not a bit fun feeling powerless. I get that. If you are feeling powerless because there are so many big things that are out of control, focus on what you do have. There are things that only you have been called to do around you all of the time . Your family, your job, your friends–all of those are vocations to you to help make the world better. If you have used your time to make the community around you walk a little bit lighter, you've already made more of a difference in the world than you think. If you feel compelled to help a stranger (even if it's just opening the door), go for it! You know and understand what's good in this world: lifting each other up when we feel down.  You can do it; spread that beauty that you possess.

I am on "the spectrum". I had an Individualized Education Plan for a while before my family and I decided it wasn't doing much for me anymore, as I am able to function now without assistance. When I tell people about it, their responses are usually–in a very loving way– "Oh. That actually makes so much sense" if they've known me since childhood/it's no surprise, or "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry! I had no idea" as if it was a burden to me at all. To those of the latter, really, it's not like I have a terminal health condition. It's something that I've lived and am still living with. Just because my brain works a little differently doesn't mean I can't still learn and grow (haha) like everyone else. It took me a long time before I could accept myself. Continually, I've learned to live with what I ultimately can't do which, in reality, is very little compared to what I can do. One thing that disgusts me in m...

I was in the Charleston are of South Carolina on vacation for a week in June of 2015. One day, we wanted to see the French Quarter but got lost while trying to park somewhere. As we started our multi-mile walk in 100ºF weather, we came across a big beautiful church. In front of it was a large black gate with cards and big bouquets of flowers in front of it. They said things like "We will miss you." and "You will not be forgotten." I quickly realized that I was there, at Mother Emmanuel AMC, where the shootings had taken less than a week previously. On my right, I saw a woman walking out of the church, clutching a handkerchief to her eyes with one hand while the other grasped to a man's hand next to her with his head low. To my left, a group of people stood in a crowd on that street. They had a continuous passionate chant: "United we stand, divided we fall." What was shocking was that in this moment, this wasn't a news story, a dramatic inter...

Many of my friends are "atheists". Whether they've been taught about religious texts in a way they can't understand or believe, whether they've had a bad experience with religious people, or they've just not had any reason to have faith in something invisible–these very different people have come to this conclusion. But they are different in they the way they define it. Some of them don't have a religion, some say they don't have faith. Many people (religious or not, faith driven or not) don't realize that religion and faith don't go hand in hand. Religious systems are like political systems in the way that each "party" (religion, denomination, congregation etc.) have ideas about how things should be done for the good of (in religion) humanity. Some may do it in forceful, ugly ways; others may do it through charitable organizations; some do the work of achieving it without involvement of a specific religion (or at least thinking the...

Many times, we view life like a documentary. We see an image, and voices speak for it rather than letting it's voice of purpose be heard. If there is an image we don't like– whether it's how you see the opposite political party, different culture, unimaginable life experience –we take the image and criticize it. But we forget that people are not images; they're people, real people, similar beyond measure. I wrote this poem/rap the other night talking about perspectives that we often don't think about and how I wish these could play out. *This is not directly based on any story, just from my understanding of various stories of the sort, real and fictional. I'm also not saying this is the case for ALL situations like this, on the contrary. This scene you see me in, turn and say, "She has no expression upon her face." I'm sorry, but there's not a one minute reason, These images being hard to taste. A boy, he's only 13, Pas...

Last week, I felt what I can only describe as campsick . Clearly, I was not homesick for my house where my parents live and my hometown where my friends grew up because it's literally where I live. I was homesick for my home away from home, "a place apart". Coming into 2017, I missed the family that was created around me and the intimacy I had with creation. I missed the summer, a time where I could be outside all of the time and still be comfortable. This was not the first time I had this so-called campsickness. I was finished with my session at camp for the summer on July 15 in 2016 after four weeks. I even felt on the drive home that I had a void to fill. The next day, I decided to go to Java John's. One of my friends was playing a set, so I went with the thought in mind that if I saw other people, I would forget about what I was feeling. The plan failed, but not miserably. At Java John's, I saw many people that graduated that May. It was lovely to see th...