Consequence. As I grow older and recover from years of emotional turmoil from childhood, I am learning to elaborate on my judgements. The food I eat, the people with whom I spend my time, the actions I chose, the actions from which I steered away. In addition to fighting my internal unfair judgement on myself, I look at the larger systems that shame my actions. Particularly, the concept of purity culture.
I realized that many people, especially people that currently or previously present as female, believe their failed relationships and their insecurities on their encounters with their partners.
"I should have known my relationship wasn't going to work out because we had sex before marriage."
"I'm a bad person because I displayed affection with my partner in front of everyone."
"I thought I loved my partner, and we had experienced so many of our 'firsts' together, but because the relationship didn't work out, I know my actions at the time were wrong."
Can people have regrets and make actions that aren't appropriate? Yes. But the concept of purity, wondering if you are going to be a chewed up piece of gum or a unusable piece of Scotch tape, makes people equates the damning word of "fornication" represents their consensual and enjoyable activities with a partner with whom they eventually diverged.
Biblically, fornication is when men break a possible contract with a potential wife's father by having sex with her and abandoning her, meaning she would be seen as unfit to marry. The sin, in God's eyes, was placed on the man for hurting every party involved by quite literally screwing them over. But for many years, through today, the social shame around fornication is placing blame on the "chewed gum" rather than the mouth that spit them out.
The good news is that you are a person and not a piece of tape or a stick of gum. Engaging in trust and enthusiastic consent is not what is hurting you in your heart. You shouldn't blame yourself in that respect. So why does it feel shitty when things don't work out? The answer is paradoxically simple and complex: it's because you see clearly where trust has been broken or lost within the relationship, especially in sexuality but more so on a personal level.
I have a friend (I promise this is not me) that is in a long-term committed relationship with someone that is genuinely hurting them. I am not in contact with this person a lot, so the odds of them looking at this is incredibly low. Here's why.
Their partner overshadows their actions and friendships with other people outside of the relationship, including myself. As much as they use sexual activities as a reaffirmation of their love and trust, I see the trust falling apart for both of them. My friend's partner, in my personal opinion, has an incredibly possessive view of their relationship and clings onto my friend as a person that will drop everything in their life for them. They've been together for a long time, and my friend credits their partner as one of the greatest things in their life but still sacrifices every bit of security they have for their partner. My friend will justify their partner's manipulative actions, gatekeeping of friendships, and threats of physical and emotional violence as both accountability and reversion to a traditional view of a relationship. I–and many other people–know it's abuse.
The worst part is that when everything crashes and burns between the two of them, my friend will look at their own loving, consensual displays of their love and blame the failure of the relationship on themselves. They won't believe that they can or should love anyone else because they will think that their actions prompted the downfall of their relationship with their partner.
If this particular friend reads this (or anyone in a relationship like that description above), I have one thing to say: I cannot be the one that brings judgement on the people that hurt you because that's God's job. However, the pain that comes from failed relationships, especially long-term sexual relationships, is incredibly valid. But just because you will feel chewed up and spit out, doesn't mean that you are. You do not need to repent any loving action you choose to do with your body. But you certainly have the right to feel anger and regret. I hope, eventually, we all learn the difference.
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