My "Oscar" Inspiration

The 89th Annual Academy Awards had a theme of inspiration. Between various categories, different actors/actresses would describe an onscreen portrayal that inspired them, and that actor would present with the actor that inspired them. I'm not a professional actress (or really a professional anything), but for this post, I would like to discuss a portrayal that I long to have express my gratitude for just as Javier Bardem did for Meryl Streep. Though this portrayal was a TV movie with no Oscar nominations, I had the video cassette, so I still count it as a motion picture, and I still find the same kind of "Oscar inspiration" nonetheless 😊.

With my senses being (for lack of a better term) overwhelmed in the most delicate situations as a kid (due to my special needs), I admired movies with the most tangible satisfaction. In the 1999 TV movie version of Annie, there were many details big and small that my 3-year-old brain would be emotionally satisfied by: the brushes used to scrub the floors of the orphanage, the snow globe in Daddy Warbucks's office, Lily St. Regis's pretty pink wardrobe–the list could go on and on. All of these itty bitty details came into play, but the most dynamic part of this movie was Rooster. The biggest detail that captured my heart most as a kid was none other than Alan Cumming's portrayal of Rooster. If you want to witness the outstanding energy of this performance, observe:

He enters the scene at 1:00, but you can get a whole sense of the contrast he brings in the whole clip.

As a kid, I LONGED to possess the colorful energy of Rooster. He was charming and conniving, and that's what made me have that soft spot for the bad guy. At four years old, I would do all of his choreography and blocking. Alan Cumming painted the very first picture of quality stage performance in a film that I've ever seen. It was almost like my first Broadway experience. This actor inspired a thespian in the sensationally overwhelmed little dancer that I was.

I am currently reading Alan Cumming's memoir, Not My Father's Son, and there are aspects to Alan's life that are dark and haunting, but there is plenty that he has learned to appreciate about his character. For example, he describes how his personality has been backward from his age. He felt forced to toughen up and keep to himself as a child, but as he grew up, he found his childlike qualities and grew to embrace them. Despite the many struggles he had to overcome in his life, I am grateful that he has given all of his audiences (including me) the gift of his shameless, frolicky self.

Alan Cumming, your performance blessed my life with the gift of art. Never have I seen such a wonder as you. Bless you with the same amount of boisterous love as between you, Kristin Chenoweth, and Tommy Tune at the Tony's. For all that it's worth, you are and forever will be my Oscar inspiration. 💕

A season of no sweets?

Yes, it's true. For the last seven days and continuing through the season of lent, I've disciplined myself to eat breakfast every morning, to lessen snacking, and to give up the following: pastries, cookies, cakes, chocolate/candy, sugary beverages (soft drinks, chocolate milk, Gatorade-type things), ice cream...just all "sweets".

Why?

I'm acquiescent to terrible eating habits. Many of the calories I make up in my day (from either skipping breakfast or just having a pastry for breakfast) are from snacking on sweets. A regular snack for me–no joke–a fist full of chocolate chips washed down with a glass of milk. "Moderation" is not a much of a word in my vocabulary, so this would happen most days, if not, it eventually turned to having a bunch of cookies or some sort of desert for multiple snacks. I had told my parents the previous night that I was becoming unpleasantly moody in school. I had come to realize that during this week of Valentine's Day, I had been consuming sugar without control, and I was not feeling alive in the morning. My mom promised that she was willing to make me breakfast in the morning; she wanted to help in whatever way she could.

I knew for a fact that it was going to be difficult. I'm genetically and behaviorally prone to have those cravings. Alas, I know it's best for me, both physically and mentally. Here's what happened for each of my days.

Thursday-
Not so good Things 👎: I had to resist a lot of natural urges, and my stomach hurt slightly as I was going to bed. I wasn't used to that many calories being taken out of my day.
Good Things 👍: I was more attentive and not very moody at all! I felt much more cognitively and emotionally engaged.
Friday-
Not so good Things 👎: The ice cream and soft drink menus at Hickory Park in Ames were calling my name. Before bed, our coaches for Large Group offered us cookies for a bedtime snack, and a doughnut as one of the breakfast items for the next day. I was slightly disheartened when I didn't take a cookie or a doughnut.
Good Things 👍: I overall had a lovely day with my teammates. I stayed focused on hanging out with them than any concerns with my stomach. A couple of my friends had been on disciplined practices like giving up sweets or trying a paleo diet. They were very supportive, and I still was able to have a good time. I also didn't eat to the point of a stomach ache like a few other people 😝.
Saturday-
Not so good Things 👎: All of the drinks available for purchase at All State itself were soft drinks, and our coaches had leftover cookies from the day before. To give you an idea, the picture above the post ↑. It was pretty rough.
Good Things 👍: I was having too much fun to care about sweets. I realized that I wasn't really hungry between meals, and I realized that cravings and hunger are not the same thing, and they shouldn't be treated the same way.
Sunday-
Not so good Things 👎: I was...good. Not gonna lie.
Good Things 👍: I felt conditioned to it by that point.
Monday-
Not so good Things 👎: No school day, relaxing day. I felt like I was watching the clock a lot when I was in the mood to eat.
Good Things 👍: A will power complex developed inside of me, so I didn't feel the need to snack often. I was aware about my lack of hunger rather than the presence of cravings.
Tuesday-
Not so good Things 👎: My friend makes awesome cupcakes–I mean AWESOME cupcakes. I forgot for a solid second before realizing that I couldn't have any. It was sad.
Good Things 👍: I managed to make breakfast by myself, and I only had one snack between lunch and dinner–something that would actually keep me from being peckish. Also, I've been listening and understanding my body more when it reacts to food. I realized it actually tells me when I've had too much greasy food and not enough fruit; I've just been ignoring it until now.
Wednesday-
Not so good Things 👎: I realized that I regularly think about how I could get sweets, and those thoughts sometimes found their way back into my mind, and I had to correct them.
Good Things 👍: I used to just talk crap about vegans–or anyone with a different diet in general. I realized that awareness of what goes into my body actually matters. Sure, I'm not giving up animal products, but I'm making a decision for better health, not for pleasure.

Ultimately, I learned this week that if you want to change something in your life for the better–even if it's going to suck to do so–you can. It takes a lot of patience and a lot of persistence, but it's doable if you want it to be.

Quick bit of advise.

Sorry, I'm a little late in posting; February's getting messy, timewise. I just wanted to leave a few needed words of encouragement this week, as much for you as for me.

It's not a bit fun feeling powerless. I get that. If you are feeling powerless because there are so many big things that are out of control, focus on what you do have. There are things that only you have been called to do around you all of the time.

Your family, your job, your friends–all of those are vocations to you to help make the world better. If you have used your time to make the community around you walk a little bit lighter, you've already made more of a difference in the world than you think. If you feel compelled to help a stranger (even if it's just opening the door), go for it! You know and understand what's good in this world: lifting each other up when we feel down. 

You can do it; spread that beauty that you possess.

3 Things (I Love) About My Special Needs

I am on "the spectrum". I had an Individualized Education Plan for a while before my family and I decided it wasn't doing much for me anymore, as I am able to function now without assistance. When I tell people about it, their responses are usually–in a very loving way– "Oh. That actually makes so much sense" if they've known me since childhood/it's no surprise, or "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry! I had no idea" as if it was a burden to me at all. To those of the latter, really, it's not like I have a terminal health condition. It's something that I've lived and am still living with. Just because my brain works a little differently doesn't mean I can't still learn and grow (haha) like everyone else. It took me a long time before I could accept myself. Continually, I've learned to live with what I ultimately can't do which, in reality, is very little compared to what I can do.

One thing that disgusts me in modern media is the stigma among (I shudder to say this word) "disabilities". For example, a plethora of ignorant people believe that vaccinations cause autism. There's actually no evidence of a connection. Even if there was, despite what people might immediately think, that's definitely not the worst thing that could happen. People with autism spectrum disorders have plenty of capability to be as healthy as the next guy. I'm not saying parenting a child with physical or mental ailments is a piece of cake, but it's easy to find plenty of parents who see a lot of beauty within the mechanisms of their everyday challenges, like my awesome parents 💋. I would like to share with you a few things I have come to find beautiful about myself.

1. I don't have the ability to fake my personality. I am an actor, but in real life, everything shines through and there's nothing I can really do about it. When something makes me happy, you will know. Sure, I quickly learned to adjust my passionate opinions at age six–with one person my favorite color was purple and favorite animal was a cheetah, and with another it was yellow and a dolphin. However, I never did try to hide my regular course of action. My hair is this short because I wanted to make it short. My decision to wear makeup was based on whether I felt like it or not. I don't spend time with just one group of people because I've accumulated many traits from the unique people I knew for a long time. It's pretty neat.

2. My emotional energy is at a constant high. As a kid, I would squeal if something was great or cry to communicate that something was wrong. This mostly because either I couldn't find words to describe the intensity of what I was feeling (especially with my heightened senses and my hearing sensitivity). Eventually, I found out how to use words instead of tears through the help of my beautiful kindergarten teacher (Mrs. Croatt 😇), and words have become a fun way to decorate the intense feelings I have . For example, if I'm in someone's car with a really strong air freshener, I'd say something like "Jeez, did a pine tree take a crap in here?". Even if I'm exhausted and I see any one of my friends that I'm not even that close with, I still show my utmost excitement, because every emotion is that extreme.

3. Passion fills my cup and lets it overflow. At age 4, arranging things in patterns that only made sense to me wasn't for practical purposes; physically doing it was what gave me the pleasure, not the end result. In PE in elementary school, I would sing and dance regardless of the task at hand. People would get annoyed because they thought I was full of myself, when really, holding still felt preposterous when I was surrounded with this bubble of music. I talk way too much about Camp Ewalu, but only because it's the place that puts bread in my soul. I may try to make someone laugh when really they don't feel like only because to see them without that joy is too painful. I'm a hugger because I have more love for all people to try to keep to myself. I'm clingy most everyone and everything because I care. A lot.

If you find something that you dislike about yourself that you feel is unchangeable, I can guarantee that there is beauty there. I'm sorry if someone made you see it in an ugly way. Also, if you want to  get yourself more familiarized with people that have been looked down upon because of what they can't do, go on ahead. You'll find the beauty in them, too.