My Inside Experience

I was in the Charleston are of South Carolina on vacation for a week in June of 2015. One day, we wanted to see the French Quarter but got lost while trying to park somewhere. As we started our multi-mile walk in 100ºF weather, we came across a big beautiful church. In front of it was a large black gate with cards and big bouquets of flowers in front of it. They said things like "We will miss you." and "You will not be forgotten." I quickly realized that I was there, at Mother Emmanuel AMC, where the shootings had taken less than a week previously.

On my right, I saw a woman walking out of the church, clutching a handkerchief to her eyes with one hand while the other grasped to a man's hand next to her with his head low. To my left, a group of people stood in a crowd on that street. They had a continuous passionate chant: "United we stand, divided we fall." What was shocking was that in this moment, this wasn't a news story, a dramatic interpretation in a play, or an exhibit in a museum. This reality that these people had to deal with wasn't completely filled with anger, but with a long stage of grief and anxiety.

Later that day as our family was driving back to where we were staying, we passed through neighborhood in which these white children were selling lemonade. There was a little girl running by our car holding a large sign in front of the lemonade stand. All of the profits were to go to Mother Emanuel families. (I actually saw this!)

Source: The Island Eye News (http://islandeyenews.com/kindness-strength-in-midst-of-tragedy/)

That was a beautiful thing. What's sad in this situation was that no one would have seen this on the news, and if they did they likely disregarded it. Actually seeing a hand of support rather than another spew in the media angering the rest of the country is very rare. This situation was another thing for people to be angry about–that's reasonable–but not many thought about voicing genuine support for more than one tweet, one hashtag. It was a terrible thing that happen, but witnessing the humanity in it all was a historical experience that I unintentionally stood in the midst of.

Tragedy is very real, but there can be beauty hidden in the cracks. Don't just have an opinion; put it to good work. Build bridges, and break down barriers. You are more powerful than any act of hate, so put that power to good use.

Religion ≠ Faith?

Many of my friends are "atheists". Whether they've been taught about religious texts in a way they can't understand or believe, whether they've had a bad experience with religious people, or they've just not had any reason to have faith in something invisible–these very different people have come to this conclusion. But they are different in they the way they define it. Some of them don't have a religion, some say they don't have faith. Many people (religious or not, faith driven or not) don't realize that religion and faith don't go hand in hand.

Religious systems are like political systems in the way that each "party" (religion, denomination, congregation etc.) have ideas about how things should be done for the good of (in religion) humanity. Some may do it in forceful, ugly ways; others may do it through charitable organizations; some do the work of achieving it without involvement of a specific religion (or at least thinking there is none).

One's faith is what they believe in. Someone's faith could say, "I see God when I see beautiful in this world in the crack so human failure." Another's faith could say, "A girl I met with mental health issues has wise soul with strong ideals and shouldn't be labeled with society's stigma."

Religion nor faith has to be defined or organized. Example: Brendon Urie (my favorite frontman 😊) talks in an interview about how he didn't believe in the religion he grew up practicing and follows no organized religion now. People call him an atheist, but I don't believe that at all. He said that music is his religion (a practice in which he has a goal to make the world better–already is), and a faith that music is what keeps him going and will always be there.

Sometimes one's faith isn't always what someone thinks is completely consistent or compliant with what seems like the religion they claim to practice implies. Some Atheists look at Christianity being hypocritical being like, "Why is a gay man Christian when another Christian wants to 'convert' him?" or "You believe in evolution? Isn't that hindering a common Christian creationist point of view?" This stuff gets ugly in itself because hatred of something so complex like theology and refusal to accept each other leads to ignorance. Everyone with or without religious affiliation: don't override someone for a faith they can't explain. It doesn't change it's validity; it affirms it's strength of heart and complexity of mind.

What you believe is your faith, a rock you can build a house upon, whether it's God, music, nature etc. Understand that whatever religious label you decide on, remember that the faith comes from a similar place because we're human. We can't be that different.

Trapped in one perspective.

Many times, we view life like a documentary. We see an image, and voices speak for it rather than letting it's voice of purpose be heard. If there is an image we don't like–whether it's how you see the opposite political party, different culture, unimaginable life experience–we take the image and criticize it.


But we forget that people are not images; they're people, real people, similar beyond measure. I wrote this poem/rap the other night talking about perspectives that we often don't think about and how I wish these could play out.

*This is not directly based on any story, just from my understanding of various stories of the sort, real and fictional. I'm also not saying this is the case for ALL situations like this, on the contrary.

This scene you see me in, turn and say,
"She has no expression upon her face."
I'm sorry, but there's not a one minute reason,
These images being hard to taste.

A boy, he's only 13,
Passion for playing football teams,
Friends, empty-minded, have a point system
"Look at those girls, a point if you do more than kiss' em."

Never allowed to hang out with girls as a kid,
Never knew what girls thought or did,
Result for keeping something so distant,
A fruit a mind couldn't bear to forbid.

Girl, going on 14,
Only an innocent image she's seen,
Boys will only come to you if they care,
Those ones are the "princes"–that comes out unfair.

Two weeks later, he's screamed at by grown ups,
Not knowing what's wrong, they yell, "Own up!"
He didn't understand if she didn't want it,
Didn't know what it was, he'd not yet been taught it.

She's being called a "b****" for this,
An angry image of "feminist",
Crying out while trapped in frustration,
Media's silent out of meer intimidation.

If I could have changed the story,
I'd add a part the and girl and the boy,
Talked it through not angrily,
Starting with my verses two and three.

This boy couldn't comprehend that pain,
The monster image she can't face,
Anxiety and society's voice clouding,
Understanding is silent when the wound does the shouting.

I'm not trying to be condescending,
But it's time society stops pretending,
Poisonous images side by side,
Kill the people that bear their outsides.

**I'm sorry if any part of this offended any survivors–what you went through was awful and sick. My point is NOT that you should change your point of view–the idea behind it is to help spread an educated message. Some others only know one point of view, and knowing how to teach yours with the perspective in mind is.

Dealing with "Campsickness"

Last week, I felt what I can only describe as campsick. Clearly, I was not homesick for my house where my parents live and my hometown where my friends grew up because it's literally where I live. I was homesick for my home away from home, "a place apart". Coming into 2017, I missed the family that was created around me and the intimacy I had with creation. I missed the summer, a time where I could be outside all of the time and still be comfortable.

This was not the first time I had this so-called campsickness. I was finished with my session at camp for the summer on July 15 in 2016 after four weeks. I even felt on the drive home that I had a void to fill. The next day, I decided to go to Java John's. One of my friends was playing a set, so I went with the thought in mind that if I saw other people, I would forget about what I was feeling. The plan failed, but not miserably.

At Java John's, I saw many people that graduated that May. It was lovely to see them and talk to them before the went off on their endeavors in the fall, but it made me feel lonelier still. I was just a sophomore, someone that had been left behind. To phrase it like the Jack's Mannequin song "Dark Blue", I was alone in a crowded room. It seemed like the void in my heart swelled. I sat on a stool by myself, taking in the emotional song from the front of the coffee shop, weeping into my sleeve. I prayed in that moment for a sense of purpose, a friend, a change of spirit–anything that could take my mind off of the isolation.

I see out of the corner of my eye, lip syncing to the set in a humorous manner, my friend Carston. I hadn't seen him since May, so I wiped away my tears to eagerly great him. We stood next to each other for the last choir concert of the year, and I hadn't really thought of him since then, even though he was (and still is) one of my very good friends. As we caught up, I asked him about what he did over the summer and what he was looking forward to for our junior year. In turn, that got me thinking, "What am I looking forward to before next summer?"

Nordic Fest. All State practice. Football season, Concert Choir, cheer practice, classes, etc. ETC. ETC.! In actuality, before I realized so, I had full plate in front of me. It overwhelmed and excited me. There were plenty of places, experiences, and people–so many wonderful people–I had yet to see. Coming back from a mountaintop experience wasn't easy, but there was a reason I had to. There is much work to be done in my life, and I've only just begun. The best part is that I'll be going back, but in the meantime, I won't be alone.